How to approach bullying behavior

Labeling a child as a bully is not the way to stop them from bullying. Punishing a child for bullying doesn't teach better behavior. Worse, punishment can backfire, causing more misery for the child who is being victimized, and closing down both children from communicating with adults.

 An incident of bullying is just the fruit of many adult failures that led to it. Both children, the one who is bullying and the one who is the target, are signaling their need for prosocial skills. They've been let down, up to that point, by adults who should be guiding them to healthy interactions.

Now, that all sounds like a lot of words when you're trying to untangle a bullying incident. Some parents will advocate for making the victim tougher, some for punishing the bully, and many for making one apologize to the other or worse, letting them work it out on their own. The last "solution" almost always leads to the weaker child's further suffering, and the bullying child getting an unfair advantage. It's also not wise to push the responsibility for stopping bullying onto other kids. "If you do nothing, you're also a bully" only serves to punish those idealistic kids who try to step in.

Adults may say that kids who bully are actually insecure, but that's not always the case. Often the bullying child seems pretty darn confident and downright smug. There's a developmental element: four year olds tend to swing toward bullying, and it can pop up again around 6 and 12, ages when kids are focused on rules, control, and "fairness." These aren't the only ages when kids are dealing with these issues, or the only times bullying comes up, though.

Many child development specialists point out that often the same child that is a victim in one case becomes a bully in another. That's one reason I'm against labels. The other is that labeling a child reinforces the very behavior you're trying to undo.

So if no child is a "bully" then what's going on? And more important, how do we solve it?

First, let's look at the mistaken goals for both sides. Bullying is a way of asserting control. When children fight to gain control it's a hidden message about how they feel. The way the mistaken goal chart works is pretty simple and amazing. A child's misguided behavior makes most adults react in pretty similar ways. So your own reaction is a clue. When the child is bullying, the goal is for power, and it makes grownups feel angry, challenged and perhaps even threatened. The child may feel they've won by making their victim upset. The child who acts out in this way is in dire need of a sense of belonging, and they're using this behavior to try to put themselves on top of the social pile. There's a hidden fear in there: if I'm not on top, in charge, scaring a weaker kid, I no longer have a role in the group. I'm a loser.

You won't stop that cycle with punishment, humiliation, labeling, ostracizing, or anything else other than helping that child find a better way to belong. Your power trip isn't going to teach the child not to have a power trip. What you want to do is offer the child a better way to belong. You can do this by modeling, by helping them identify and understand their needs, and by helping them to find better ways to get the benefits of social interactions. The sooner the adults can defuse bullying behavior the less intoxicated that child will be by the cheap power that comes with it. In a pinch you can redirect his or her behavior away from the act, by asking them for help, by giving him or her a job to do; or by offering a developmentally appropriate social skill, like "we don't fight over toys, we ask for a turn."
 

What about the "victim"? The victim is often passive, unable to marshal the social and emotional resilience they might use in other situations, or they may need to learn resilience from others. Sometimes they're driven to fight back in vengeful ways. Unfortunately, many adults encourage this choice. So much adult advice only makes things worse for kids in this situation. 

If you have the luxury, take time to listen  and help both kids resolve the problem. This works well with older children. Teaching both kids how to negotiate a social situation can often be enough to end the behavior. Depending on their developmental skills you may need to intervene a little or a lot. Help them shape the negotiation, but don't force them to take your solution. Offer them choices that lead in the direction you feel is best. It may even turn out that both kids end up being friends, once they have the key to resolving their struggle.

Very few children see their behavior as bullying. Even middle schoolers may not understand that what they're doing is wrong, or why. It's up to adults to shape their perceptions and encourage empathy. You can't punish anyone into feeling a common humanity with their target, or with their oppressor. It takes wisdom, patience, firmness and time. The sooner you teach, model and encourage prosocial behavior, the sooner children will be able to take it up on their own. And the fewer problems you'll have down the road.

Good parenting in 4 paragraphs, toddler to preschool edition

Telling a toddler or preschooler "no" doesn't teach him what you want him or her to do.

Instead of saying no, try: 1. giving a positive direction to his urge; 2. distract and redirect; 3. offer choices that lead to the behavior you want; or 4. childproof the situation. Children naturally want to please adults and get that positive attention, so work with it.

Use those 4 tools to guide the child, and add one more: teach him or her to think for himself. Example: "It's cold outside, do you want to be chilly or warm?" (warm!) "What do you need if you want to go outside and stay warm?" (coat!) -- do this a few times and he'll start thinking it through on his own.

Once a child learns to do something on his own, never do it for him, even if you're tired, or it's late and you're in a hurry. Responsibility cures misbehavior, and the first responsibility we all have is toward ourselves. As a parent, it's your job to make sure your child takes on that job as soon as he or she is able. Whether it's cleaning up a mess they've made, making other good behavioral choices, problem solving, negotiating, or simple social skills that lead to forming friendships, the sooner your child learns to take an active role in his or her own life, the sooner you'll have a little freedom to enjoy their new skills and achievements with them.

What is colic?

Q: My baby can't fall asleep at night, he starts crying and nothing I can do will calm him. He pulls away from the breast and screams until he shakes. Should I let him cry it out? Is he sick? What can I do?

A: What happens if you hold him in burp position on your shoulder and pat or jostle his bottom? How about when you bounce him gently and walk him around in that position? If that seems to give him relief, your son may have colic. Of course, check with your pediatrician to make sure nothing else is wrong.

Colic is a term for tummy distress that happens every night in very young babies. It's painful, and loud, and it takes a while for baby to settle. Letting your child "cry it out" won't work, because he's really in pain. It usually takes from a few days to a few weeks to pass. That's likely because your child's digestive system is maturing and becoming able to handle what you eat. You may not want to put him through this suffering every night, though. So how do you help?

Colic has been tied to mother's diet in breastfed babies, and to the ingredients in formula in bottle fed babies.  If you're formula feeding, try switching to a non-dairy, or non-soy based formula. Whatever you do, don't put rice cereal in a young baby's formula. His tummy is not ready to digest grains, so it just sits in his tummy and blocks the nutrients he needs from getting into his system. If you're expressing milk, or formula feeding, ake very sure you are sterilizing properly. Don't use bottles that have been sitting out or in the fridge too long.

If you're breastfeeding, the top colic triggers moms report are: dairy, onions, garlic, broccoli, cabbage, and chocolate, followed by spicy foods and other strongly flavored foods. Some even report that cutting out beef seemed to relieve colic.

Now vegetables and beans are believed not to cause gas in a breastfed baby, because the fiber that gives adults gas doesn't travel through breast milk. But some babies do react to something after mom eats certain vegetables, that causes intestinal distress. So my advice is go through the list, starting with dairy. It takes about a week to see full relief. You may even see improvement within a day or so. It's fine to try avoiding everything on the list, just make sure you get the proper nutrition without them. It may take some time to figure out what's causing the problem, and baby will grow out of colic on his own over time.  If symptoms get worse, or new symptoms show up, call your pediatrician to be sure there isn't something else going on.