A sense of control

Recently I was having a discussion with a friend about choices. Why, she wondered, when I know I can try something different, do I feel better about what I'm doing? It's the sense that you have some control over your situation, I told her. When we have options, it's easier to cope with whatever we must do. It works the same way for kids. When you give a child choices that lead to the behavior you want, it's easier to guide the child to a good decision without argument. That's why, when getting ready for bed, for example, you can keep a toddler in relatively cooperative spirits by planning ahead a bit.

"Would you like to put on your jammies first, or brush your teeth and then jammies?" is one example. You can ask if they'd like a story while they're getting ready. This not only gives the child that choice, but offers a distraction. I'm a big fan of distracting children from overthinking onerous tasks like washing up. It doesn't have to be a formal story, you can just start with "Once there was an explorer fairy prince(ss) who had just eaten a delicious dinner and the Queen said it was time to wash hands, and what do you think happened?" All the while guiding the child through the process as you describe it.

As children grow older they can learn skills like this for themselves. Grade schoolers can be given a choice of which homework subject or chore to start first, when to take breaks and whether the break is five minutes or ten, and so on. Problem solve with older children to come up with ideas to help them develop coping skills and prevent frustration.

Just like having something to read while you're waiting at the doctor's office, or choosing when to take a short break at work; distraction, and choices that lead to good behavior are part of the self regulation skills that help us-- and our kids.

The climbing game

Lately I've been reading Vogotsky's theories of developmentally based learning. I like the conception of the child's competency that spans "things I can do" to "things I need help or prompts to do" to "things you'll have to teach me and help me do." He follows Piaget a lot more than I expected; I think the biggest difference between the two might be that Piaget sees children as progressing in a certain order in relation to certain sets of skills/knowledge. While Vogotsky seems to think that it's a little more complicated than that.

Vogotstky is at once a little more hands-on and hands-off regarding learning: adults help kids learn new tricks, but then their roll is to stand back and let kids explore the new behavior within their abilities.

The Vogotskian concept of scaffolding then, means the physical and intangible supports kids get in the process: whether it's crayons and clay, or rules to a game or story time, everything works toward the same goal, bringing children a step forward, or up. As parents we need scaffolding too, whether it's from other, more experienced parents, a good book, a program or a therapist, it's easier to learn when we have supports around us in the process. And we learn best when we use the optimal supports for the optimal period.

In the same way that you can teach a child to climb up and down the monkey bars, you teach people new skills. Maybe you have to guide their feet the first few times, till they learn the movements, then you spot them while they practice it without your guiding touch. Eventually, they master the skills, and you'll have to hunt to find them on the playground, much less keep up with them. The teacher's job is to make himself irrelevant. When you're working with adults, though, you can't always let them know you're behind them, protecting them from a fall.

As with children, so adults: we aren't superior to those we teach, we are just providing the means to their becoming better themselves.

Imitation and Modeling.

In this video, a small child is demonstrating the facial expressions and language she has learned that coincide with various feelings, along with a good dose of humor, encouragement, and success. She may not "feel" angry when she does the angry face, any more than she knows who George Bush is. Learning emotional skills, like learning words and behaviors, takes a lot of repetition, changes of context, and personal relevance.

What do I mean by personal relevance? You may remember the scene in Helen Keller's life story, when she first learns to sign? The teacher takes her to the pump and runs cool water over her hand, while signing the letters for water in her palm. Suddenly Helen makes the connection, in a way you just couldn't replicate by mere repetition.

Imitation of adult behaviors is a powerful learning tool for children (and other adults). Your modeling of the respect, kindness, honesty and eagerness to learn that you want to see in your child is what brings those qualities to the forefront. Whether it's the words you say or how you say them, your child is learning them. The way you use the objects in your child's life, from toys to books, to knicknacks and food, all are lessons for you child in how they will treat their things, and those of others. The way you treat your child, and the way you treat others in front of your child, including yourself-- is how your child learns to treat others. Sound like a huge responsibility? It is. You'll have lots of do-overs, but the overall message you want to give your child is one of healthy self discipline, problem-solving, moderation, social grace, and intellectual curiosity. We all make mistakes, and we all have our weaknesses. As adults, it's our job to be self aware, and recognize what messages we're sending our children by what we choose to do.