Distract and redirect

Two of the simplest tools in your parenting toolbox, distraction and redirection work pretty well from the moment a child is old enough to get into mischief. Whether the baby's fussing or the toddler is heading for the china cabinet, a funny noise, an appropriate toy, or simply a hey sweetie! can get her attention long enough for you to redirect her behavior. As your child becomes old enough to fuss about bedtime and toothbrushing, you can use distraction to keep him happy while he's getting ready. Tell a story about his favorite animal brushing his teeth or about a teddy bear who puts on her pajamas and asks for a story. Or simply talk about whatever is her favorite subject de jour while moving her along the process.

As kids get older, there will still be opportunities to distract them from misbehavior and redirect their attention to positive pursuits. It even works on grownups. I often find that my own attention can be distracted from a bad mood and redirected to positive behaviors, as long as I catch myself in time. For me, doing an energetic chore is great when I want to get over anger, anxiety, or excitement; while picking something small and achievable helps me get past the doldrums (even if all I do is sew a hem or pay one bill, or read one page). What are some ways you can use your distraction and redirection powers for good?

Examine your parenting tools

As parents, teachers and/or caregivers, we have 3 kinds of tools in our childcare skill box. The first are the tools we learned from our parents. This are skills we had applied to us, some of which worked, and we admire, and some of which aren't so great, which we hope we never use, but never quite discard. The last kind can end up deep in the bottom of our box, only to shake out when we're at our worst, most desperate.

The next set of tools are the ones we learned as we grew up, from observing what works for others, and what has worked on ourselves. These can be perfectly good tools sometimes, but they're not really thought through, so we may not always have the one we need right at hand, or we may pick the wrong tool.

Our best tools though, are the ones that we acquire with maturity, wisdom, education and above all, empathy. These are tools that stay near the top of the collection, because we know in our hearts they represent the best gifts of parenting a child can receive. These are tools that help the child think for himself, choose good behavior for good reasons, tools that model good behavior your child can use through adulthood; tools that teach problem solving skills, that respect the child's developmental stage and abilities, that help your child grow and learn.

What are the tools in your box? How have you used them? Think about who you want your child to grow up to be, as you examine how you treat your child. Is this how you would want to be treated? How would it make you feel to be treated this way? What would you learn from this treatment? My job is to help adults sort through their tools, decide what new ones are needed and find ways to get used to using the best tool for the job, instead of whichever one they're used to grabbing.

Being an aware parent is a valuable gift to yourself, and to your children.

communication and attachment create emotional skills

Babies begin to communicate with us the moment they're born. When they cry or move, we respond. With this primitive communication come the first emotional skills. They learn at a few months old that smiling gets them a lot of positive attention-- and smiles in return. They learn that different noises elicit different responses from adults.

At first babies don't realize they and the world are separate. It takes time for them to understand that they are unique individuals, that by moving around and making noises they can cause things to happen, and that there are other people out there who care for them and help them.

This first stage of emotional growth is called "self and other awareness." As the child becomes aware of his mother, and all she does for him, he bonds to her, and to the caregivers who provide and care for him. This is the beginning of trust, self esteem, and self confidence.

The safer a child feels with you emotionally, the stronger that bond will be, and the better they will be able to grow as people. By being there for your baby, you are letting her know that she has a safe place to grow and learn, that she is wanted, that she matters to you, and that she belongs. This sense of safety and belonging is vital to growth and development.

If you teach a child that you are always there for him, he will feel safe exploring the world and new ideas.

If you teach the child that you believe in him, he will always know in his heart that he can succeed.

If you teach your child that you love him no matter what, he will always be able to come to you with his problems, and trust you to help him find better solutions.