How to listen so your children will, too

One of the most important discipline skills children can have is the ability to listen to parents, teachers, and friends. Listening is an intergral part of learning, safety and relationships. A certain amount of a child's attention is natural, they can't help wanting to listen, to hear things, to understand them. It's our job to encourage this and help them focus and improve.

But how are your listening skills? You can't teach what you don't know, so let's check the definition of "active listening" -- a tool for letting kids know you hear them, and a skill they can learn, to let you know they hear you, too.

When you're actively listening, you give the other person your full attention. No wandering eyes, no loss of focus. When the other person is talking, don't be so caught up in thinking of your response that you don't actually hear what is being said. Don't assume you already know what they're going to say. Even if you do.

Another aspect is to give the other person cues that you are listening: nod your head, acknowledge their points, make eye contact (but don't stare).

Listening and not allowing yourself to be distracted gives your child the message that they are important to you, that their needs and wants are understood and considered, even if they don't get what they want. Modelling active listening helps your children learn to listen respectfully too. Even if you have to remind them how!

Learning is a necessary part of development

Which comes first, the stage or the learning? Vogotsky and Piaget differed somewhat on this question, but for us parents, the important thing is this: provide a variety of experiences for your child, allow her to make her own decisions, participate with her in discovering the world, and above all, communicate with, not at, your child.

Why am I talking about "learning" on a blog about parenting? Because everything you do in your child's presence is teaching your child something. Every action requires a decision, whether you realize it or not. So think about what you are teaching your child in the moments when you're not really thinking about what you're doing. An aware parent is a better parent. That's how you --and your child-- grow best.

A sense of control

Recently I was having a discussion with a friend about choices. Why, she wondered, when I know I can try something different, do I feel better about what I'm doing? It's the sense that you have some control over your situation, I told her. When we have options, it's easier to cope with whatever we must do. It works the same way for kids. When you give a child choices that lead to the behavior you want, it's easier to guide the child to a good decision without argument. That's why, when getting ready for bed, for example, you can keep a toddler in relatively cooperative spirits by planning ahead a bit.

"Would you like to put on your jammies first, or brush your teeth and then jammies?" is one example. You can ask if they'd like a story while they're getting ready. This not only gives the child that choice, but offers a distraction. I'm a big fan of distracting children from overthinking onerous tasks like washing up. It doesn't have to be a formal story, you can just start with "Once there was an explorer fairy prince(ss) who had just eaten a delicious dinner and the Queen said it was time to wash hands, and what do you think happened?" All the while guiding the child through the process as you describe it.

As children grow older they can learn skills like this for themselves. Grade schoolers can be given a choice of which homework subject or chore to start first, when to take breaks and whether the break is five minutes or ten, and so on. Problem solve with older children to come up with ideas to help them develop coping skills and prevent frustration.

Just like having something to read while you're waiting at the doctor's office, or choosing when to take a short break at work; distraction, and choices that lead to good behavior are part of the self regulation skills that help us-- and our kids.