Restaurant behavior

Well-behaved kids discount -- good idea or too reward oriented?

How do you feel about rewarding kids for good behavior instead of just expecting good behavior? The danger of rewarding behavior that should be normal is that you're creating a negotiation where there shouldn't be one. If you reward good table manners with ice cream (as the restaurant owner did in the story) what does that mean when you don't serve ice cream next time? The child now sees this as a contract: behavior x brings outcome y, where y is ice cream. If there's no ice cream, behavior x may disappear fast!

The mom in the linked story, Laura King, has great tips:
 * Take your kids out to eat at least a couple times a month.
* Give your kids a snack before you head out.
* Be sure they’re rested and healthy.
* Be ready to engage with your kids.
* Notice the people, art, music, food in the room and talk about it.
* Encourage your kids to talk with you just like you would talk with another adult.
* Enjoy the time you’ve carved out to be with them.

Underlying all of these ideas is one important one: "practice good table manners at home." In other words, model the behavior you expect. What does that mean to you? There are a range of "good" manners for the table. What matters is that manners show respect for the people you're eating with, and the people who prepared and served your meal.

Most parents  teach "indoor voice, "take turns talking" and "don't chew with your mouth open."
How about "don't bother others while they're eating"? Or "sit in your chair until your meal is finished, and ask to be excused before getting up"? -- not every parent cares for the second rule, but most parents like that first one: it's crucial to a peaceful meal. Pick rules that make sense to you, and model them for your children. When you notice they're not using the skills they've learned, gently remind them, even a single word may be enough -- "fork" if they're using their fingers on the spaghetti, or "napkin" if they need to wipe. Don't be critical or angry, and especially don't humiliate your child into behaving, especially at the table. Family meal time should be a positive, bonding time you all look forward to. And that won't work if you or your children see it as ritualized torment. Explain and encourage table skills, and help your children to learn and display them. And then choose restaurants where your style is welcome.

When you're considering what restaurants will best fit -- and reinforce-- your child's developing good manners, pick places where  you and your children will feel comfortable to start with. Plan ahead; don't just drag them into the nearest restaurant at the last minute, when you're all tired and hungry. I think you already know how that will turn out.

There will be times when you need to eat out at the last minute of course, but if you've been prepping your family with good manners,  relaxed mealtimes, and trust, even a hurried hamburger can be pleasant and restorative for all of you.

What makes a conscientious parent?

Almost every parent has a general idea of what they consider good parenting. And nowadays, there's lots of advice that supports nearly everyone's style and choices. So how do you make good choices when you're not sure which way to go? At BABC, we try to present parents with all sides of the issue, whether it's bottle vs formula, natural childbirth vs medication, spanking vs non-physical discipline vs nonpunitive parenting-- and there are so many variations in between these and other seeming opposites it would be difficult to list them all.

That's why we like to use the term "conscientious parenting"-- based on research that shows that conscientious people tend to live longest. We think conscientious parents raise the healthiest kids, no matter what choices they may make. Applying your thoughtful judgment to your parenting decisions will only help you make better ones. Conscientious people learn what their options are, and think about the possible outcomes and consequences of their choices before they act. They may make mistakes, but they're careful to address and fix them. They build trust and respect in their children because they're both honest and considerate, and expect the same in return. They're attentive parents, and they pass their problem-solving skills on to their children. These conscientious children can think for themselves, reason out good choices, and aren't afraid to talk to their parents about problems and decisions.

So give yourself time to be open minded about your decisions. Read, observe, and discuss-- whether guided by a parenting coach, a pediatrician, or your own parents; friends, or self-help books, or all of the above-- and pay attention to your child's feedback, whether it's spoken, behavioral or physiological. The more you practice, the better you'll get at tuning into your child's developing needs, skills and abilities. And the better your relationship will be.

Letting children heal in their own way.

After a California school shooting a few years ago, parents and teachers were somewhat shocked to see kids at that school acting out the shooting during their daily play. 

What they discovered was that the kids who were doing this were attempting to deal with their feelings by normalizing them. By absorbing the events into their school play culture, they all found a way to get in touch with their feelings as a group, examine what had happened from all sides by role play, and digest the events as a part of their collective experience. 

Kids will find a way to talk to those they trust, to process their feelings and get back to "normal." They are resilient. All they need is for you to be a safe place to turn, when they're ready to talk, or play, or use whatever communication method they need, on their own time.

Parents can make a safe place for their children to express what's in their hearts, jut by listening. A child may ramble on and on about his favorite video game, or her friends at school, all you need to do is let them speak, as long as they need to. A little patience for these little daily moments will pay you both back when it comes time for your child to tell you more important things.