Throughout childhood we parents/caregivers/teachers struggle to find a good balance between giving the child freedom to explore and play, and structure to learn and grow. Everyone has their own style, which usually falls into one of three frameworks. The first, which many of us older parents are familiar with, is the authoritarian parenting style. If you find yourself saying 'because I said so'; punishing, giving strict limits and lots of inflexible rules, you probably fall into this category. It has the advantage of immediate obedience and dependability in most kids. However it can also breed resentment, limit self-control, and damage the child's ability to think and decide for himself as he grows.
The second general type of parenting, permissive parenting, grows from the theory that kids know best what they need, and will grow out of any problems on their own. Permissive parents don't punish, but they don't offer much guidance either. If your kids are allowed to run around grocery stores and restaurants, if you find yourself telling them to "work it out on your own" when they're squabbling, and if you often give in to whining, pleading and tantrums, then you're probably acting the permissive role. It has the advantage of giving kids lots of room to learn, play, and practice independence and curiosity. Unfortunately it's a bit like setting a kid loose on a tightrope and telling him to figure it out. Rules do have a comforting place in kids' lives, and kids without rules can be angry, controlling, demanding or depressed, depending on how they percieve parental laxness.
The third parenting style is called "authoritative" parenting. These parents set a few easy to comprehend rules, do not request anything of the child that they don't intend to follow up on, and use a large toolbox of parenting skills, adapted to their children's developmental and emotional stage. They see discipline as a learning tool, not as punishment. Parents in the authoritave mold will give their kids freedom to make choices, teach them to think through the outcomes of those choices, and help them to problem solve so that they can learn to self-regulate as they grow.
I don't think it's any secret which parenting style I think works best, but I don't think anyone is always "authoritative"-- we all have our exhausted "let em be" times and our grouchy "do as I say" days -- parenting is not about perfection, it's about doing your best at the time, learning better when you can, and being your child's best guide to her future adult self. Remember, we're all raising people, not just minding the children.
Showing posts with label build a better childhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label build a better childhood. Show all posts
Tuesday
Friday
Anger management skill for teachers and parents
As rewarding as it truly is, it can be frustrating to spend long periods of time with any number of kids. Teachers and parents need a toolbox full of skills to help them stay calm and reasonable during long days-- and those sudden moments that spring up during a day.
One of the easiest things to do is just take a deep breath and count to ten slowly. While you're counting, try to look at things through the other person's eyes. Both sides (almost) always feel justified in their choices of behavior. If you're calm, it's easier to find a positive solution everyone can live with. Feel yourself relaxing when you count. If you need to, imagine someplace nice and soothing. Once you have your resources gathered, you can check your own perceptions: does the situation really warrant what you're feeling? Are you assuming something, imagining the worst, misinterpreting? Look at the situation, and the person on the other side. Remember, if you're calm, and talking in reasonable, gentle tones, the other person will calm down too. And that means you have a better chance of a constructive solution.
One of the easiest things to do is just take a deep breath and count to ten slowly. While you're counting, try to look at things through the other person's eyes. Both sides (almost) always feel justified in their choices of behavior. If you're calm, it's easier to find a positive solution everyone can live with. Feel yourself relaxing when you count. If you need to, imagine someplace nice and soothing. Once you have your resources gathered, you can check your own perceptions: does the situation really warrant what you're feeling? Are you assuming something, imagining the worst, misinterpreting? Look at the situation, and the person on the other side. Remember, if you're calm, and talking in reasonable, gentle tones, the other person will calm down too. And that means you have a better chance of a constructive solution.
Thursday
Paradise needs you.
I've been in Bali for the last two weeks, enjoying the sun and learning about local culture. The Balinese are lovely, kind and generous people, who genuinely like to meet and spend time with newcomers. In 2005, there was a double bombing in one of the tourist areas, carried out by extremists from another island. Local justice has done an excellent job of making sure things like that don't happen again, and now all of Bali is quite safe and pleasant at all hours.
The local religion is Balinese Hindu, and the gods are everywhere. You will see people putting offerings in tiny woven leaf trays, three times a day. They speak with the god and leave the offering on the street afterward (kind of like leftovers!). If you ask, locals are happy to explain their beliefs and ceremonies, which are unique to Indonesia and profoundly connected to their way of life.
Balinese are also very concerned about their poor. Because there's no free public education, it's very difficult for the poor to move up the socioeconomic ladder. People volunteer time, effort and what little money they have to help families educate their children, build decent housing and start small businesses. But resources are extremely scarce. Just to find an old magazine to help a teen learn English can be difficult. I spent a day at a wonderful pair of programs, the Learning Center and H.E.L.P. afterschool program in Singaraja in northeast Bali, teaching a class and learning how the programs help extremely poor Balinese boys and girls of all ages.
The Helen Flavel Foundation funds the work of the Learning Center, which provides free education including books, to the poorest Balinese. They send "Frontliners" around the community to find which families need the most help, and coordinate with a program similar to the US Habitats for Humanity, and a microcredit lending group to help these families help themselves.
One of the most important things to Balinese is that their children learn proper English. It's considered one of the pillars of a secure future here. Volunteers from the local university and all over the world come to teach at the HELP center, but it's a difficult language to learn for many kids, especially with limited resources. If you're interested in volunteering, donating or just learning more about these wonderful, nondenominational and nonpolitical education programs, please contact me at kmk10016@hotmail.com for information on HELP, or you can contact the Helen Flavel Foundation at helenflavelfoundation.org for more information on the Learning Centre. Whether all you have is a few books to send, or a week to donate, or a few dollars, you'll know it's going to a cause that will change children's lives.
The local religion is Balinese Hindu, and the gods are everywhere. You will see people putting offerings in tiny woven leaf trays, three times a day. They speak with the god and leave the offering on the street afterward (kind of like leftovers!). If you ask, locals are happy to explain their beliefs and ceremonies, which are unique to Indonesia and profoundly connected to their way of life.
Balinese are also very concerned about their poor. Because there's no free public education, it's very difficult for the poor to move up the socioeconomic ladder. People volunteer time, effort and what little money they have to help families educate their children, build decent housing and start small businesses. But resources are extremely scarce. Just to find an old magazine to help a teen learn English can be difficult. I spent a day at a wonderful pair of programs, the Learning Center and H.E.L.P. afterschool program in Singaraja in northeast Bali, teaching a class and learning how the programs help extremely poor Balinese boys and girls of all ages.
The Helen Flavel Foundation funds the work of the Learning Center, which provides free education including books, to the poorest Balinese. They send "Frontliners" around the community to find which families need the most help, and coordinate with a program similar to the US Habitats for Humanity, and a microcredit lending group to help these families help themselves.
One of the most important things to Balinese is that their children learn proper English. It's considered one of the pillars of a secure future here. Volunteers from the local university and all over the world come to teach at the HELP center, but it's a difficult language to learn for many kids, especially with limited resources. If you're interested in volunteering, donating or just learning more about these wonderful, nondenominational and nonpolitical education programs, please contact me at kmk10016@hotmail.com for information on HELP, or you can contact the Helen Flavel Foundation at helenflavelfoundation.org for more information on the Learning Centre. Whether all you have is a few books to send, or a week to donate, or a few dollars, you'll know it's going to a cause that will change children's lives.
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Engaged parents, happy babies
