Parenting refreshers

At each stage of your children's lives you'll find new challenges. Just as each child is different, with different needs and abilities, so too at each age children's needs change. When you need to step up your parenting game, who do you turn to? Many of us rely on what we learned from our parents. We discuss our situation with friends and family.  But if you feel you're not getting the answers you need, why not stroll over to your public library or bookstore and take a look at the parenting books available? Looking for new answers doesn't mean you're not a good or wise parent, quite the opposite. It's helpful to skim through a few books on the shelves and see what seems to fit your parenting philosophy. New ideas may not work as well as you'd like, but often they can help you out of a parenting rut. Another solution is to take a parenting class or seminar, or join a parent support group. Often you local university, public library, county health department, church, synagogue or other community institution will have classes, lectures, or groups you can attend. If nothing is available, why not put one together yourself? When my kids were young, there were several of us moms that met weekly at a local library to talk about issues like school, healthy snacks, play date etiquette, activity ideas, and solutions to everyday kid dilemmas. We all had active preschoolers and the group was more than just a parent exchange, it was an opportunity to talk to other adults, which is a bit of a luxury sometimes!

Parenting styles

Throughout childhood we parents/caregivers/teachers struggle to find a good balance between giving the child freedom to explore and play, and structure to learn and grow. Everyone has their own style, which usually falls into one of three frameworks. The first, which many of us older parents are familiar with, is the authoritarian parenting style. If you find yourself saying 'because I said so'; punishing, giving strict limits and lots of inflexible rules, you probably fall into this category. It has the advantage of immediate obedience and dependability in most kids. However it can also breed resentment, limit self-control, and damage the child's ability to think and decide for himself as he grows.

The second general type of parenting, permissive parenting, grows from the theory that kids know best what they need, and will grow out of any problems on their own. Permissive parents don't punish, but they don't offer much guidance either. If your kids are allowed to run around grocery stores and restaurants, if you find yourself telling them to "work it out on your own" when they're squabbling, and if you often give in to whining, pleading and tantrums, then you're probably acting the permissive role. It has the advantage of giving kids lots of room to learn, play, and practice independence and curiosity. Unfortunately it's a bit like setting a kid loose on a tightrope and telling him to figure it out. Rules do have a comforting place in kids' lives, and kids without rules can be angry, controlling, demanding or depressed, depending on how they percieve parental laxness.

The third parenting style is called "authoritative" parenting. These parents set a few easy to comprehend rules, do not request anything of the child that they don't intend to follow up on, and use a large toolbox of parenting skills, adapted to their children's developmental and emotional stage. They see discipline as a learning tool, not as punishment. Parents in the authoritave mold will give their kids freedom to make choices, teach them to think through the outcomes of those choices, and help them to problem solve so that they can learn to self-regulate as they grow.

I don't think it's any secret which parenting style I think works best, but I don't think anyone is always "authoritative"-- we all have our exhausted "let em be" times and our grouchy "do as I say" days -- parenting is not about perfection, it's about doing your best at the time, learning better when you can, and being your child's best guide to her future adult self. Remember, we're all raising people, not just minding the children.

How are your kids getting along this holiday season?

if you'd like to bring a little peace and good will to your home, I'd recommend Adele Faber's Siblings without Rivalry. Faber is philosophically descended from the Adler-Dreikurs-Ginott school of thought on childrearing which looks at children's behavior as a rational response to perceived situations, and offers concrete steps to teach children better choices.
To help parents understand the jealousy between siblings, Faber asks parents to imagine how they'd feel if their partner brought home a cute new spouse for them to love and share and care for.
Faber recommends what I call the "fair vs equal" doctrine-- in other words, the doctor doesn't put a splint on a child with the flu, he deals with what each child needs when she needs it.


Faber goes beyond Dreikurs' advice for parents to step out of the way and let children solve their own squabbles, recognizing that can lead to a spontaneous re-enactment of scenes from Lord of the Flies in your family room. Social skills must be taught, and Faber helps parents "step in so they can step out" -- teach the skills, and let the kids work on it on their own.

There are good books on this topic and on more complex rivalry issues, but none top Faber's concrete and down to earth advice for siblings across the range of childhood.