Parenting styles

Throughout childhood we parents/caregivers/teachers struggle to find a good balance between giving the child freedom to explore and play, and structure to learn and grow. Everyone has their own style, which usually falls into one of three frameworks. The first, which many of us older parents are familiar with, is the authoritarian parenting style. If you find yourself saying 'because I said so'; punishing, giving strict limits and lots of inflexible rules, you probably fall into this category. It has the advantage of immediate obedience and dependability in most kids. However it can also breed resentment, limit self-control, and damage the child's ability to think and decide for himself as he grows.

The second general type of parenting, permissive parenting, grows from the theory that kids know best what they need, and will grow out of any problems on their own. Permissive parents don't punish, but they don't offer much guidance either. If your kids are allowed to run around grocery stores and restaurants, if you find yourself telling them to "work it out on your own" when they're squabbling, and if you often give in to whining, pleading and tantrums, then you're probably acting the permissive role. It has the advantage of giving kids lots of room to learn, play, and practice independence and curiosity. Unfortunately it's a bit like setting a kid loose on a tightrope and telling him to figure it out. Rules do have a comforting place in kids' lives, and kids without rules can be angry, controlling, demanding or depressed, depending on how they percieve parental laxness.

The third parenting style is called "authoritative" parenting. These parents set a few easy to comprehend rules, do not request anything of the child that they don't intend to follow up on, and use a large toolbox of parenting skills, adapted to their children's developmental and emotional stage. They see discipline as a learning tool, not as punishment. Parents in the authoritave mold will give their kids freedom to make choices, teach them to think through the outcomes of those choices, and help them to problem solve so that they can learn to self-regulate as they grow.

I don't think it's any secret which parenting style I think works best, but I don't think anyone is always "authoritative"-- we all have our exhausted "let em be" times and our grouchy "do as I say" days -- parenting is not about perfection, it's about doing your best at the time, learning better when you can, and being your child's best guide to her future adult self. Remember, we're all raising people, not just minding the children.

Anger management skill for teachers and parents

As rewarding as it truly is, it can be frustrating to spend long periods of time with any number of kids. Teachers and parents need a toolbox full of skills to help them stay calm and reasonable during long days-- and those sudden moments that spring up during a day.

One of the easiest things to do is just take a deep breath and count to ten slowly. While you're counting, try to look at things through the other person's eyes. Both sides (almost) always feel justified in their choices of behavior. If you're calm, it's easier to find a positive solution everyone can live with.  Feel yourself relaxing when you count. If you need to, imagine someplace nice and soothing. Once you have your resources gathered, you can check your own perceptions: does the situation really warrant what you're feeling? Are you assuming something, imagining the worst, misinterpreting? Look at the situation, and the person on the other side. Remember, if you're calm, and talking in reasonable, gentle tones, the other person will calm down too. And that means you have a better chance of a constructive solution.

How expensive is a rich environment?

Whenever I hear a young couple fret about the cost of raising a child these days, I cringe a little. Sure, there are some unavoidable expenses, like a good sturdy stroller, a crib that isn't on a recall list, and of course, the right car seat. And a good doctor. And a trustworthy sitter. But what about the rich learning environment? How expensive are the best educational toys, and how many should you buy in order to keep your child on an optimum learning curve?

Oh, brother. You may not realize this, but you already have pretty much all the tools you need to help your child learn at his developmental stage. Look around the kitchen. Budding scientists love to play in the sink, so fill it part way with water, pull a kitchen chair over and stand with your toddler as he uses your measuring cups and spoons, filling and emptying cups and pans. What is he learning? Different size cups hold different amounts of water: that's the concept of "conservation" toddlers must learn in order to judge volume. But he's also learning other great scientific concepts, like the difference between solids and liquids, between warm and cold, on and off, fast and slow, and so on.

Make playdough with your child from the classic recipe:

2 cups flour
1/2 cup salt
3 tablespoons vegetable oil (or baby oil for a scent)
1 1/2 cups water
food coloring

Blend the dry ingredients together (even small children can do this with a wooden spoon in a plastic bowl), add the oil and slowly dribble in the water (or let your child ladle it in as you knead) until you get that playdough texture. Divide into 4 equal size balls and add a few drops of food coloring, and knead it in. Voila! As much fun to make as it is to model.

Even toilet training can get a low-cost boost from your household supplies. Cut a circular "target" out of colored tissue and drop it in the potty, and encourage your child to "hit the target" -- this works with girls too (it's just a tad more complicated, since she'll want to see where she's aiming).

Back issues of magazines can make a great sorting game for older toddlers. Cut out colors, shapes and sizes and let your child play a matching game. Or make it a lesson on emotional intelligence: cut out faces that express different feelings. Name and label these expressions, and talk about what they mean with your child. Ask your child what she thinks the person is feeling, which face matches how she herself feels.

Keep a box of old clothes for "dress up" games. There should be assorted outfits, accessories and shoes. Role playing games are a vital part of learning: kids not only learn how to imagine what other people do and act it out, they also learn vital thinking skills, including planning, decision making, memory or retention, and cooperation. It even helps your child's early literary and language skills.

Of course there are some great educational toys out there, but not one of them beats a good imagination and a little ingenuity.